Question: I am a single Orthodox convert in a country with a few hundred Jews. Because of this, and because my conversion is not accepted elsewhere, I will probably never get married. I have trouble finding a job because of Shabbat. I know prostitution is frowned upon but how bad would it be if I gained some money through prostitution?
I've started and stopped my response to this request a number of times. Your question fills me with tremendous sadness. I cannot imagine your loneliness and the desperation you must feel if you are contemplating such a move. I would urge you not to take this course of action. As Jews we value human life, and the possibility of extreme violence and degradation is far too high. Please seek counseling including career counseling, and please don't give up on the possibility of finding companionship and support in your life and in your community!
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Question: My fiance and I want to get married on a Saturday in the late afternoon (during Shabbat). We do not have any issues with this choice as we do not keep Shabbat. We are both Jewish. My father is orthodox and told us attending our wedding would be sacrilegious and would violate the sanctity of Shabbat, so he is not attending. He is not giving any reason beyond that. Is there anything in scripture that truly states a father cannot attend the wedding of his daughter if it is on Shabbat?
As I see it, there are two issues being presented here: one on the sanctity of Shabbat, and one on whether your father feels he could or should attend (and the feelings that raises for you and your fiance).
With regards to the first: most movements, including the Reform movement, have affirmed the sanctity of Shabbat. While in Reform Shabbat as practiced differs from the other, more Halakhic movements, nevertheless there is a profound understanding that the Sabbath is a day set apart from the rest of the week, meant to be celebrated and affirmed, as a 'palace in time' (as Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote). Part of that separation means that we do not mix one kind of holiness with another, including weddings. While exceptions can be made for emergencies , the halakha is pretty clear, even from a liberal perspective. I'm not sure what 'late afternoon' means and what season your wedding is taking place, but were I the officiant, I would be pushing the start time as late as possible to at least come close to sundown, and would make Havdallah as part of the celebration, in order to keep the wedding and Shabbat from overriding one another.
That's the tradition. Now let's talk about dad.
American Jewry is a diverse polyglot, and as the most recent Pew survey shows, that diversity is increasingly reflected within families. Whereas once upon a time if your parents were Orthodox, chances were you would be Orthodox too, that is rarely the norm. Which means that, when the kids are non-halakhic and the parents are, you run into these moments of personal abrasion.
Clearly your father, himself Orthodox, cares deeply about observing the tradition, and this is a red line. I don't know if there are other issues with your relationship with your dad, and I cannot pretend to know what your relationship looks like just from this anecdote, but I can presume from your raising it that it's upsetting you that your father will be absent from your wedding day. With this in mind, assuming your relationship with your father is healthy, and with the mitzvah of honoring parents in mind, I'd reach out to him about this issue. Ask him to help you understand why this upsets him. Perhaps do some study together around the issue, and then see where compromises can be made (again, this assumes the relationship is healthy and that there isn't another dynamic at play). Would he be willing to be there if it were closer to sundown? What if there's Havdallah? What if he skips the Ketubah signing but attends the chuppah, or the reception? Maybe he can't be there but he can do a celebration after the honeymoon where the sheva berachot can be recited again as part of birkat hamazon. Take this as an opportunity for your and your fiance to discuss what about your Jewish experience is meaningful to you and how you're going to make this work.
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Question: I am the Jewish Chaplain in a University in the U.K. Our graduation ceremony is held annually in our nearby city cathedral. The building is over 1000 years old and the experience is awe inspiring. One of my students is strictly orthodox and is concerned that he is not permitted to enter therein. He is also concerned that in entering the cathedral he will be walking through the attached cemetery where some of the graves are marked with a cross. He is not a Cohen so the cemetery prohibition does not apply. I would like to assure him that attendance by him and his parents will be permissible.
The year before my son was born, my wife and I went to Paris. I'd never been, and I especially wanted to make a point of seeing the churches, including the cathedral at Notre Dame. Every church we went into took my breath away; the stained glass windows, the architecture, the way the nave seemed designed to amplify one's own voice such that one's immediate reaction was to become very quiet and still. Of course, I had been to churches before--to celebrate a friend's confirmation, weddings, interfaith services and study opportunities, including churches in Jerusalem--but this was different somehow, like something out of a novel.
One of the churches we visited was in the 16 arrondissement, and was still in use, so when we went in we had the same awe-inspired experience, but were also greeted by a bulletin board with pictures from some recent Sunday School activity. Seeing this filled me with a profound sadness, and it was only later that I was able to understand it; that sense that these young people could celebrate their Christianity without a worry in the world; meanwhile, their grandparents and great-grandparents would have watched their Jewish neighbors be led off to their doom in the 1940s. And who knows how many parishioners in each church going how far back in time witnessed slaughter, forced conversion, and oppression of Jews in Paris?
Even with rising antisemitism we live in a blessed time of openness and pluralism, but so many of our ancestors never had that luxury. So one can understand your student's concern about going to a place of explicit Christian expression, one that has not always been so kind to us as Jews. And it is worth mentioning that both the Shulchan Aruch and the Tur prohibit a Jew from entering within even 4 cubits of the door, but these are laws that reflect the time they were written; when a Jew at the church door could expect a beating, a forced conversion, or worse. Today we expect nothing of that sort to happen, and while it may make us feel uncomfortable (perhaps even with the beauty of the place) we know we are 'safe'.
I think the question becomes one of intent of the venue. Your student and his parents are not going to be converted under false pretenses. They're going to watch him graduate. So long as the graduation exercises have suitably non-Christian language in their formalities (I did have a friend who misread the form for graduation and so found himself receiving his degree in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit!) he should feel reassured that this is a moment of celebration and achievement, not one of betrayal of either his tradition or ancestry. Part of being a Jew in the world, even an Orthodox one, is managing these moments where our differences are highlighted. Perhaps this could be an opportunity for him to do a little study himself around the halakhot before or after as a tribute to his graduation.
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Question: What does Judaism say about video games? What kind of video games are permitted? [Violence, Dystopian, Sexually oriented, War themed, mental challenges, problem solving, mazes, role-playing, logic,and others.]
Games have been used throughout Jewish history as teaching tools and ways to engage individuals. Be it the dreidel game, or the games played by Akiva at seders to keep the kids entertained, games are an essential expression of identity.
Today, we have a variety of games to choose from, including video games and online games, which are often unmatched in sophistication and storyline, and many create opportunities for puzzle and problem solving that develop real skills. However, many games do celebrate violence, misogyny, racism and the like. On top of that, the social media aspect to many games too often leads to "trolling", a kind of cyberbullying.
As Jews, we shouldn't shy away from video games but use them as opportunities to teach our values rather than get mired in muck.
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Question: What is the Jewish view on large age gaps in relationships? I am a widow, and it has been five years since my husband passed away. I am in my late 30s and have no children. I have recently started dating a man who is 25 years my senior. Most of my family thinks I am completely crazy for being interested in someone so much older than me. How does Judaism look at such relationships?
Before I comment, I want to acknowledge and celebrate your newly-found (I hope) happiness. To lose your spouse is truly to walk through the valley of deepest darkness, and I'm sure there were many moments over the past five years where the thought of being interested in someone else at all, never mind to have this question with your family, was unthinkable. While no one can take the place of your husband, Jewish tradition understands that "It is not good for a person to be alone" (Genesis 2:18) and to find companionship is a mitzvah and blessing of the highest order. (Should you and your gentleman caller progress in your relationship, you might want to read this beautiful essay by Emily Yoffe about her navigating remembering her husband's first wife.)
Recently I buried a longtime congregant, a man who had lived a full life well into his 80s, a brilliant man and a devoted father. He was nearly 20 years older than his wife when they first met. A woman in her late sixties, they loved each other fiercely and profoundly. He was her biggest support, encouraging her to be the person she is today, and was supportive in their family life. In his last year, as he deteriorated, we spent a great deal of time talking, and once she looked at me and said, "when I married him, I knew this was the deal." Her family had similar anxieties about her marrying a man well her senior, a man of a different generation, and this was one of the many concerns raised. Without a doubt, it was painful--it still is for her as she comes every Friday to say Kaddish. But I have no doubt that theirs was a powerful and meaningful relationship, one that produced two lovely children, a passel of grandchildren, and many memories of love and devotion.
There are many relationships the Torah prohibits (marriages between blood relatives, for example) and plenty Jewish tradition takes a dim view of (while polygamy is technically legal halakhically, it has been prohibited for a thousand years as the practice was found odious). And while the marriage of an adult to a minor is strictly prohibited (Kiddushin 50b), what you are describing is the relationship between two full-grown adults, where at least one has been married before and knows and understands what it means to be in a committed relationship, has had challenges and navigated them into adulthood.
You are not a breathless teenager. You are an adult woman who is cultivating a relationship with a man who brings you joy after a period of darkness, and yes, who is older than you. While American cultural norms may look askance, and your family clutches their collective throat in concern for you, Judaism has no meaningful concern about the age difference. That he cares for you, has your best interests at heart, is loving and compassionate, is kind and supportive and gentle, is not abusive or violent--these are the qualities Judaism advocates (see: Iggeret HaKodesh). May that be so.
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Question: The following question is based on an inquiry to The Ethicist column in the Sunday New York Times Magazine. When there are scientific studies that point to the media having an impact on violent behavior, is it unethical to write, produce or direct violent films and TV shows?
What is the first text children are supposed to learn, according to the Talmud? You might think it would be Genesis, or perhaps Pirkei Avot, but in fact, it is the book of Leviticus. There is much sense in this, as nearly half the 613 commandments are found in this priestly text. However, it is a text full of graphic violence; animals being violently sacrificed, their blood dashed against the altar, and remains set aflame. There are terrifying images of skin diseases. The only narrative in the whole book deals with the story of Moses' sons--Nadav's and Avihu's--immolation.
How is it that the Talmud, so concerned with the education and proper rearing of children, would want them exposed to this book, which even causes us as moderns to grow squeamish?
The texts are ambiguous, but I would suggest that the reason the rabbis of old have no problem starting with Leviticus is context. These kids weren't just reading them behind the Hippodrome to be grossed out or to infuriate their parents; they were taught the text by responsible adults who helped explain and provide context and meaning. In this way, the material--which we might find dark or banal--was elevated.
Can we make the argument that today's TV programs, movies or video games (or comics, or books) are any more or less graphically violent than the works of our ancient worthies? I think that question is moot. What I think is of concern is that so rarely do parents, teachers, or other responsible adults provide the context for violence when encountered. Do we stop to talk about the violence they see in the news? Do we ask questions about the legitimacy of Han Solo's choices? Or Kylo Ren's? What about the football game that's on TV, and our reactions to it? Or, are we embarrased, conflicted, feeling morally ambivalent about our own relationship with violence, who we ought to be versus who we are? I suspect that's more the reality for most of us; that we don't know how to articulate our ideas of violence without sounding like hypocrites.
As a civilization, we have decried violence in media since the dawn of time. And since the dawn of time, we have created violent media (go read the book of Judges sometime). The question is, to my mind, not whether it is ethical or unethical to produce violent media, but whether we are fulfilling our obligations as responsible adults, as teachers, by refusing to help create context and make meaning?
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Question: If a Jewish family suffers the loss of a family member right before a holiday, for example, Rosh Hashanah, is it appropriate to wish them L'Shana Tova? How should that be handled?
Simcha Paull Raphael, in his chapter in Jewish Pastoral Care, shares the following teaching, attributed to Abraham Joshua Heschel:
There are three ways to mourn: to weep, to be silent, and to sing.
The first way to mourn is to weep: even if our tears are for oruselves, for our ache of loneliness, for our pain of loss, they are still sacred, for they are the tears of love...
The second way to mourn is to be silent: to behold the mystery of love, to recall a shared moment, to remember a word or a glance, or simply at some unexpected momemnt, to miss someone very much and wish that he or she could be here...
The third way to mourn is to sing: to sing a hymn to life, a life that still abounds in sights and sounds and vivid colors; to sing the song our beloved no longer has a chance to sing.
In immediate loss, any three of these forms of mourning might be happening for our friends, and certainly proximity to the holidays add a level of intensity to the loss.
So the question becomes: how do we greet people at the holidays when we know they're suffering a loss?
The answer is to acknowledge and give space to their mourning--their weeping, their silence and their song. In greeting, we create the opportunity for the bereaved to share their grief in the manner that fits the moment.
This means that, instead of merely offering a "L'shana tova" or "Chag Sameach" we may want to stop and offer ourselves to them. Express our own sorrow for their loss, check in and ask how they're doing. Offer to spend more time with them. In doing so, we are doing more than simply exchanging greetings; we're creating a community of care for the person. They may simply nod and smile (or not), or share their brokenness through tears, or speak about how much dad loved the music of the high holidays and that will always be with them. The point is, you gave them the opportunity to weep, to be silent, or to sing.
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Question: My friend is Jewish. Her husband is not.
I was at their home and now have a question.
Is it kosher to celebrate Chanukah, lighting candles in front of a Christmas tree?
I didn't know what to say!
In the opening scene of “Last Night At Ballyhoo”, by Alfred Uhry(which can be seen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wi3XjbQEcuk), the mother criticizes the daughter for putting a star on the top of a Christmas tree, exclaiming that Jewish Christmas trees don’t have stars!
This play, which takes place in Jewish Atlanta in 1939, raises all kinds of questions about Jewish identity politics which many Northeast or more traditional Jews never had to confront before the advent of engaged interfaith families.
As these families navigate their connection to Judaism and their non-Jewish spouses’ own cultural attachments, they are challenging our assumptions, which often leaves us wondering what is appropriate, or ‘kosher’.
Is it ‘kosher’ to light a Chanukah menorah in front of a Christmas tree? Under what circumstances? As part of a communal winter gathering? In a home where two people are navigating their choices and identities? How important is the Christmas tree to those gathered? How important is the menorah? Are the affiliating with a Jewish congregation, participating in Jewish life, celebrating Jewish holidays? Does the Christmas tree ‘live’ in a room with Jewish books on the shelf, a mezuzah on the door, and a ‘pishke’ (Tzedakah box) on the table? Is the couple committed to living a Jewish life, raising Jewish children with Jewish values, and really determined to explore those ideas and ideals meaningfully? What Jewish values, interpreted by whom? And how would we ever know?
There was a time when a Christmas tree was code for some of a superficial Jewish existence. Anne Frank and Theodore Herzl had Christmas trees. Perhaps we have an obligation to look for opportunities for commitment—that Chanukah menorah—rather than symbols of disengagement. And who knows what we’ll find come next December?
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Question: May a non-Jewish lady give a single Jewish lady a prayer shawl (a tallit) as a gift?
What a wonderful thing to want to do! The giving of a piece of Judaica, especially a ritual item like a tallit, can be a very personal, intimate and kind thing to do. The tallit--worn at morning services and whenever the wearer is called up to participate in a service, as well as the entire day of Yom Kippur--is not just a fashionable garment, but one that speaks to the person's spirituality, even as it fulfills a mitzvah to wear fringes on the corners of one's garments in order to remember the commandments and observe them (Num. 15:37-41, parashat shelach lecha).
Tallitot can be expensive, so before making the investment, you may want to explore the following:
Is the lady in question traditionally observant? If so, she may not choose to wear tallit (traditionally, it was seen as a male garment and it's only been in the last 50 years that women have really taken up the practice).
Once, Tallitot came primarily in white, with a black, blue or white stripe. Now, they are a myriad of colors, shades, and styles, from very narrow stoles to large and dramatic capes. Get a sense of who this person is before acquiring one.
the blue stripe was to represent the blue cord that is described in Numbers. This shade of blue, called techeilet, ceased to be used when we as a people lost the technique to make the correct dye. Today it has been recovered, and occasionally you see a tallit with techeilet among the fringes. Is this lady going to want that or not (default is still for all the fringes to be white)? Do a little research.
You say this is for a 'single' lady. Is it for a life-cycle event for a teen, such as a bat mitzvah? If so, check in with the family as there may be a grandparent or other relative who has acquired a tallit, or there may be a family tallit that the woman will be wearing for the event.
As to whether a non-Jew may give a tallit: if your relationship with the lady is close enough and dear enough that you would feel it is appropriate to give such a gift, and you can answer the questions above appropriately, I say go for it!
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Question: I have a question for the rabbis. I am a non-Jewish male interested in marrying and starting a family with a Jewish woman. I am interested in converting to Judaism, but I have not done so yet. What are the implications of having kids with a Jewish woman prior to my converting to judaism and marrying her (my understanding is that I would need to convert before I could marry her)? The biological clock is ticking for kids (i.e., in late 30s). So, I am scared that if I take the time to convert first, then the Jewish woman might be too old to have kids when we get married. So, is it better to have kids first, then convert? Or, is there some kind of consequence for doing that that I am not aware of? That, is, if I get a Jewish woman pregnant without converting and marrying her first, does that bar me from converting to Judaism and marrying her later? Is there some kind of punishment for the Jewish woman in this situation (e.g., some kind of spiritual punishment like you go to gehenna or something bad)? Excuse my ignorance and the long question, but I am interested in the Jewish perspective on this. Thanks.
Mazal tov on finding 'the one'! It's wonderful that you've found one another and are talking about creating a family with each other. These are important and serious decisions and it's clear that you're doing a lot of thinking and talking about it. I would strongly recommend that you find a local rabbi to meet with as a couple (even if she or he doesn't officiate at your wedding) and enroll together in a local Introduction To Judaism class. The Reform Movement offers a 16-20 week course in many areas, and you can find a listing here.
Pretty much all streams of Judaism would recognize your children as Jewish. More traditional forms of Judaism are concerned with who the mother is, and more liberal streams of Judaism are more interested in upbringing, so in either case, you're okay there. Of course, if you're considering conversion, that's something you should explore as fully as possible for your own spirituality. If you choose to convert later, there's no 'penalty' per se, but you and your family may have to negotiate some awkward social situations in more traditional congregations, and while there's more acceptance of intermarried couples than ever, there are still some who simply don't know how to respond appropriately to folks who are creating a Jewish home with one non-Jewish spouse.
The most important thing, regardless of whether you convert or not, is to learn as much as you can! Ask your future in-laws questions. Go to services. Practice and explore Judaism as fully as possible. Take classes and meet with a local rabbi. See what resources there are on the web (I happen to like ReformJudaism.org, My Jewish Learning and InterfaithFamily.com). And keep having conversations with your future spouse, your family, and her family. What are your 'red lines'? What family traditions are keepers for you? The more information you have, the more conversations you have, the more you two will be able to start your married life--and family--from a place of strength and holiness.
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Question: My mom says that I am mean to my sister, but it doesn't seem that way to me. Can you please advise? [JVO Kids:4-6]
Sometimes we think we're doing the right thing, but I find that often we don't know how our actions are understood by others. Look at the story of Joseph, for example. He was trying to be a good son, telling his father when his brothers were misbehaving out in the fields, and liked to share his dreams with his family. Perfectly innocuous, right? Except that the text tells us Joseph's brothers grew to hate him because of his actions and his dreams (enough so that they plotted to kill him, and 'only' sold him into slavery), and even his father Jacob, who loved him best of all, started scolding Joseph and paying more attention to his words.
The next time it comes up, I would ask your mom what she means that you are 'mean'. Explain what you think you're doing, and ask for suggestions for a better way to do the same thing. And then, even if you think you're in the right, apologize. Explain that you're trying to help, not hurt, and that you will try to do things differently, and she needs to let you know when it's appropriate or not.
Family is often hard to get right, but at the end of Genesis, Ephraim and Manassah, Joseph's sons are blessed together by Jacob, and the rabbis remind us that they never fought with one another. We all can't be Ephraim and Manassah, but we don't have to be Joseph and his brothers either.
Good luck!
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Question: I have a question for a rabbi. In a world where space is at a premium and I don't want to cause great financial strain for my family, why does Jewish tradition forbid me from choosing cremation as an option when I die? [JVO Kids: 4-6]
Thanks for the very thoughtful question! Judaism regards the body as a sacred gift from God. It is not merely a fleshy vessel for the soul, but a sacred object in and of itself (think of the many Morning Blessings that speak to the sacredness of the body, for example). As a sacred gift from God, we are therefore commanded to treat it with respect, and reducing it to ash is seen as disrespectful. That our people were sent to crematoria in the Holocaust adds to that sentiment. Having said that, many Jews do choose to be cremated, either for ethical or environmental or even economic reasons. If chosen, cremated remains should be treated respectfully, and buried in a cemetery with a funeral service as would happen under other circumstances.
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Question: The Chofetz Chaim (of blessed memory) states that a Torah written by a heretic must be burned. At an economic loss of $15,000 upwards, is it permissible ethically and according to Jewish values to make full disclosure of the defects of such a Torah, and sell it under those conditions to a Conservative or Reform (or any) congregation that is in need of one? It is assumed that the text of the Torah itself is without error or shmad (heretical defect).
There is no question that a Sefer Torah should be treated with respect, and that a Jewish community of any movement should also be treated with respect. While the Chofeitz Chaim (as well as RAMBAM and Rabbi Moshe Feinstein) make the argument that such a Torah--that is, written by a heretic--is only fit to be burned, we must ask the question of how to define heresy in this case.
Such laws were, I suspect, created with an eye against proselytization--those who would lure Jews away from Judaism. If a non-Jew gives you a text, do you treat it as sacred and, God Forbid, consider following their faith practice? Would the seller use this as an opportunity to insinuate himself into the community and try to undermine it through non-Jewish teaching? Or is the scribe 'merely' of questionable morals, or has some thoughts about Judaism or Torah learning that are acceptable to some communities but not others (example: would a sefer Torah written by a woman who is counted in her faith community's minyan be considered 'heretical' by some)?
Today we live in a pluralistic society and an open marketplace of ideas. While some communities might object--especially if there were 'strings attached' ('you can have the Torah scroll for a good price, but I get to come in and preach about how Judaism is bad for an hour' or some other such concept), if it is clear that the Torah is usable and a community is of need, it should be available for consideration. But the 'heresy' of the sofeir should be clearly defined as well. Who knows? Perhaps a congregation would prefer a Torah from a scribe who doesn't believe in God?
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Question: Is there a Jewish point of view about respect for ancestors? Is there a name for it? How about all the dead, including non-Jews?
An ancient people, Jews connect with their ancestors in many ways.
One is through memorializing of the (relatively) recently deceased. Jews will recite Kaddish Yatom (the mourner’s or “Orphan’s” kaddish) on the anniversary of a loved one’s passing (“yarzeit”), as well as at specific Yizkor (memorial) services throughout the year. In some communities, names of those being remembered are inscribed on plaques or memorial walls, which are sometimes lit or otherwise indicated on the day of their yarzeitIn addition, many Jewish communities observe specific remembrances of Jews who died in the Shoah (Holocaust) or other massacres where there might not be family to remember them by. Askenazi Jews frequently name new children after deceased grandparents or other relatives as a kind of living memorial, and all Hebrew names include the parents’ names as well (“Ploni, Son of Ploni and Plonit”). In these ways Jews remember their more immediate ancestors.
In more metaphorical ways, Jews connect with their ancestors. There are many rabbinic texts that describe how all Jews—all that ever were and ever will be—stood at Sinai to receive Torah. The reenactment of certain rituals (including the second day of festivals) is done in memory of our ancestors’ piety. The recitation of the “Avot” prayer as the first part of the Amidah invokes the zechut, the merit, of our spiritual ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (Sarah, Rebekah, Leah, and Rachel).
It is not unusual for Jewish communities—especially more progressive ones—to have ways of remembering non-Jews as well. Sometimes it’s for specific occasions, be it in times of national crisis (9/11), members of the military who died in the past week, the “Righteous of the Nations”; non-Jews who helped save Jews during the Holocaust, or non-Jewish members of the IDF who died protecting the State of Israel. Additionally, some communities will also recite Kaddish for non-Jewish relatives of congregants.
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Question: Is there anything we can (or should) do to combat the stereotypes and frequent misinformation about Jews in television and movies? Or does drawing even more attention to it just make it even worse?
Is there anything we can (or should) do to combat the stereotypes and frequent misinformation about Jews in television and movies? Or does drawing even more attention to it just make it even worse?
The year Keeping Up With the Faith, with Ben Stiller as a young rabbi and Ed Norton as a young priest, came out, I spent a lot of time talking with both rabbis and non-Jewish clergy about the ways both Judaism and clergy are misperceived.
Words are important. They define our interactions and perceptions. Images can frequently be even more important. And when words or images portray us in a bad light—for humor, for an agenda, or just out of ignorance—it can have deep repercussions.
Obviously, we can’t go door-to-door in Hollywood or New York City and ask nicely for producers to not portray us poorly. And, to be fair, there have been many programs and films that portray our people in a good light as well. But, we are reminded by Leviticus 19 “You shall not hate your brother in your heart;you shall surely rebuke your fellowand not bear sin on his account.” This obligation is clarified in the Talmud: “If one sees his fellow engage in offensive behavior and rebukes him, but his friend does not accept it from him, from where do we learn he must go back and rebuke him again? From our verse in Leviticus 19:17, you shall surely rebuke—as many times as necessary.” (Arakhin 16b).
So what can we do?
We can refrain from seeing films or watching shows that portray us inappropriately
We can write reviews online (at Amazon, Netflix, Rotten Tomatoes, IMDB, etc.) that call attention to the inappropriateness of the portrayal of Jews (warning: There be Trolls).
Talk to our friends, co-workers, and other acquaintances about such portrayals and correct the misperceptions
Live our lives in such a way that we can correct such stereotypes.
Support films and shows that portray us positively
It may sound like little things, but every bit helps! And while there will be some who will say ‘Sha and be quiet, why call attention?’ We know the obligation to stand up for ourselves, as well as others (including the poor portrayal of women, African-Americans, etc.).
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Question: Do varying Jewish perspectives on Revelation exist? Can one see Revelation as a human response to an event that defies a simple explanation? Where does rabbinic response or mediation create a contemporary response? What would these varying ideas imply as to how one lives their life?
What a wonderful, and broad, question! There are, suffice to say, as many different perspectives on revelation in Judaism as there are Jews (that whole two Jews, three opinions thing). Of course, we think the 'traditional' view, as you suggest, is that revelation was a one-time event at Sinai. In reality, many rabbinic commentators suggest some idea of ongoing revelation. Ibn Ezra, in his commentary on V'zot HaBracha (for example), suggests that Joshua completed the writing of the Torah, rather than Moses writing the whole thing. The Rabbinic idea that when the Torah was given, each person could understand only a piece of it is repeated throughout the Midrash, leading to the idea that "Lo Bashamayim hi"--it is not in Heaven--means that our study and understanding of Torah is definitive. More modern theologians such as Martin Buber would see revelation as happening within the context of relationships, when we see God reflected in another person and treat them accordingly (Ron Wolfson's book Relational Judaism is a good exploration of that theology in practical terms), while Mordechai Kaplan (and more recently, Harold Schulweis put forward a 'predicate theology' that sees revelation as not an interchange between a divine person and individuals but the actualization of qualities we find most moral, most uplifting, most compassionate.
Obviously, each of these approaches changes the way the kavannah--the intention--behind the fulfilling of mitzvot. The more modern theological ideas are dependent on interpersonal connection and/or the autonomy of the individual, eschewing a traditional sense of commandedness, while all of the above suggest that there is always the possibility of having a 'Sinai moment', ongoing revelation in our own lives and therefore, new ways of understanding and practicing Torah that better suit our modern sensibilities and needs.
I would strongly recommend Rabbis Daniel Syme and Rifat Soncino's book, Finding God, an excellent (and imminently readable) exploration of more than 10 different Jewish theologies, from the Bible to today.
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Question: My brother recently married a non-Jewish woman. I went to the wedding, not because I wanted to, but because my mother insisted I go. My husband and I sat in a corner with our kosher store-bought sandwiches (no kosher food in sight) and made a presence. It was a very uncomfortable evening, and has led to even more questions for me. I love my brother very much and want to be part of his life, but I truly do not want to be around his non-Jewish wife. We do not live in the same city, so it's not like we run into each other frequently, but I am not sure what I am supposed to do for the occasions that we do meet. I would consider myself modern Orthodox and my brother has gone beyond non-observant; he now considers himself an atheist. What is the Jewish view on these situations? Does one just try to be polite to the non-Jewish spouse to maintain a relationship with the Jewish family member? My husband and I hope to have a family soon. How do you handle exposing your children to something you are teaching them is wrong? I know the fact that I do not want to be at a table (or in the same room) as his wife hurts my mother tremendously (she does not like what my brother has done either, but fears losing him). Is my difficulty with my brother and his wife a lack of respect for my mother as her children cannot spend quality time together? I know there are several questions listed here. I thank you in advance for your assistance with this.
It’s clear seeing your brother marry a non-Jewish woman is tying you up in knots. It’s hard when our loved ones make choices that aren’t the ones we would make ourselves. Nevertheless, Pirkei Avot reminds us, ”Look not at the flask but at what is therein; There may be a new flask full of old wine, And an old flask wherein is not even new wine.” (Avot 4:20). While you and your wife clearly don’t approve of his choices, that’s not the same as approving of him (or her for that matter).
Clearly, it would have been better had they chosen to make kosher meals available for family and friends, out of sensitivity to your needs. Until time travel becomes available, however, you need to find a way to speak to your brother in a non-judgmental, calm fashion about why the meal at the wedding was uncomfortable, and talk about how that piece can be resolved. It may be that you’ll have to find other ways to be together that’s non-food oriented (ballgames, shows, etc.).
Of course, THAT is only the side issue, not the main one—your discomfort with your new sister-in-law. You don’t say much about her or why, other than her non-Jewishness, you don’t like her. Her existence in the family is a reality. You don’t know what choices they might make moving forward. You don’t live in the same city. It would be easy to minimize your contact—and to let wounds fester, and the relationship sour. Instead, I would encourage contact—on terms you can agree to, that don’t negate your own values. Pirkei Avot further says “better one hour of t’shuvah…in this world than a lifetime in the world to come.” (4:17). T’shuvah means returning—you can’t return to each other if you reduce the relationship to nothing. I would urge you to keep the door open.
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Question: Are there Jewish values about being a vegetarian (not killing animals)?
Indeed. The rabbis suggest that, before Noah, humanity was meant to be vegetarian entirely, and only allowed meat after the Flood. The rabbis also point out that, while meat eating is done for the purpose of simcha, it should be done sparingly to avoid violating the principle of bal taschit (do not waste). In more modern times, the Jewish philosopher and Rabbi Steven Schwarzschild suggested in his writings that the most ethical form of kashrut would be vegetarianism. And in Mary Zamore's book The Sacred Table you will find numerous articles that suggest the same. Finally, you might want to look at Rabbi Eric Yoffie's article in the Huffington Post on wasteful food. While not about vegetarianism per se, it does speak to the need to avoid ostentatiousness and reminds us that all eating should be sacred eating; that is, when we say the blessing and dine in community, we let God in, and that if that's our goal, we would be wise to mind where our food comes from, and how it got there.
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Question: How do Jewish values apply to this question, which appeared in the New York Times Magazine, Ethicist column. I am a single woman in my mid-20s. I recently learned from my dear friend that she has developed a longtime pattern of cheating on her husband of five years. I understand cheating happens for various reasons - but if I remain friends with her, am I condoning her ongoing behavior? If I am "anti-compulsive-cheating," do I therefore have to be "anti-her?" I value many aspects of our friendship, but don't see her (or my) views on philandering ever changing. What is the Jewish response to this?
To ask your question a different way: how can you be a supportive friend without being judgmental or permissive? Jewish tradition understands that col yisrael aravim ze ba ze--that we are all responsible for one another, and as a result endorses the idea of 'loving rebuke'; that is, you are permitted to correct someone's behavior in a caring fashion. Cheating is often the result of dysfunction in a relationship--perhaps there is abuse of one form or another, or marital issues of a more 'mundane' nature. Regardless, your friend needs a friend right now--to support her and help her figure out what's wrong with her marriage, and fix it if possible, or, with sadness, leave it (God-willing, amicably) if not. You won't be able to do that if you see her merely as a 'philanderer', and not as a human being created in the Divine image, worthy of both God's love and your own.
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Question: In Megillat Esther, do we learn that a Jewish woman can utilize her G-d given charm and beauty for a good cause?
I suppose that's one way of looking at it. Or, one could say, when in Shushan, do as the Shushanites do--for after all, Esther's maneuvering and use of feminine wiles is not, precisely, sporting. Although I prefer to see the book of Esther through the lens of Mordechai himself: "Who knows, perhaps you have attained to royal position for just such a crisis." (Esther 4:14). That is to say: sometimes we are called upon to do amazing things even when we feel powerless.
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Question: I would like to invite my son’s girlfriend to accompany us on a vacation. They are twenty-year-old college students. There will be three adult mothers and their young adult children all-staying in the same five-bed room rented house. My son’s girl friend is the only person who will not have a parent along for the trip (the girlfriend's parents are not part of the trip).
Is it appropriate for a young Jewish woman to be invited in this circumstance, or is asking her placing her in an improper situation? I must add that both of these young adults are smart, mature people and wise well beyond their years. What does Judaism say about this?
Thank you for your insight.
Well, Talmud doesn’t have any insight over inviting your son’s girlfriend on vacation, but we can glean some insight from rabbinic texts on marriage (gulp!).
We have a tendency to see our ancestors’ relationships through the lens of “Fiddler On The Roof”, with arranged (often unhappy, usually by force) marriages. In fact, the Talmud stipulates that, even if everyone else is in agreement, the woman must offer consent, and if she withholds consent, the marriage is off. (Bavli T. Kiddushin 2a-b). Likewise, until the middle ages, the wedding ceremony itself was divided into two pieces: kiddushin, the sanctification of the relationship, would take place first. Then, the bride would return to her father’s home (sometimes the groom along with her) until nisuin, the elevation of the relationship, could be conducted several months later.
So, how do these texts help us understand your question?
First, we understand consent to arrive only from communication: true consent can only come if the woman in question understands exactly what’s being asked. This is a vacation for adults; the young lady who loves your son is an adult (well, mostly), so treat her like one. Invite her, but talk through all the implications—including sleeping arrangements. Put everything on the table and allow this ‘smart, wise beyond her years’ woman to make the choices that are right for her.
Second, let’s look at the status of this relationship. You don’t indicate whether your son and his girlfriend are sleeping together or have some kind of shared living arrangement. Nor do you indicate how long they’ve been together, but clearly long enough that you would consider having her tag along with you to the beach (or wherever). That, at least, indicates the seriousness of the relationship. No, they aren’t ready to ‘take their relationship to the next level’, but they are committed to one another. In other words, it’s an adult relationship, so to understand that is to remove the possibility of impropriety. Then again, after discussing it with her, she may decide that the offer is sweet, but not appropriate for her at this time. Only she can answer that. And my guess is, if she is as thoughtful as you say, she'll answer correctly for her--and you.
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Question: Why should we make the extra effort to daven (pray) with a minyan (quorum of 10) 3 times a day? It's much more convenient to just daven “alone” at home, in the office, or wherever we happen to be.What Jewish values are in play with this?
We live in an age of convenience. We do our shopping online, expect our groceries to be delivered, to do our banking online, to communicate with others through Skype, email and texts. Increasingly, we find our opportunities to connect with Judaism online as well, through livestreamed services and podcasted divrei Torah. Many siddurim(including the Reform Movement's Mishkan T'fillah) and chumashim can be downloaded as apps. Rabbis Tweet the Exodus and the Omer.
All of this points to the more reason to find a live, in person prayer community. The purpose of a minyan are manyfold: to provide mourners a built-in support group when they need to say kaddish, to give us the chance to touch others, to hear others' voices, to be loved and supported by others. By going to minyan, we value others and the community itself. We create connections we may never have before. By experiencing other tunes, other voices, other ideas, we encounter the sacred.
Too often, our synagogues, minyanim and prayer groups don't do that. So we opt for convenience instead. Why go out of our way when the experience disappoints us, right? Wrong. Rabbi Elie Kaufner, in his book Empowered Judaism, writes that the goal of minyan is "to build a prayer community that speaks to each of its members' spiritual longings, gives participants a sense of community and belonging, and empowers them to find in Judaism a deep sense of meaning and purpose that infuses every corner of their lives." I would argue that can't happen alone, without the feedback and participation of others. We must try to create that sense of shared experience, even when it's not perfect, even when it's hard.
Is this possible all the time? Of course not. Sometimes you're just going to have to "daven alone", or rely on social media and technology. But that should never be our first option. It is hard, it is inconvenient, it can be disappointing, and it is essential to our spiritual health. God says in Exdodus: 'asu li mikdash v'shachanti b'tocham": build for me a Sanctuary that I may dwell among you. God is willing to come out--shouldn't we?
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Question: Is revenge or vengeance permissible in Judaism? Has the view of this changed over time?
"Vengeance", that is, a ' a harmful action against a person or group in response to a grievance' is a concept that is accepted in Torah, but highly regulated and with some sense of regret. Pentateuchal texts refer to two examples of 'vengeance'. The first is lex talionis, the idea of 'an eye for an eye', which has its parallels in other legal traditions of the Ancient Near East, for example Hammurabi's Code. The idea is that, should injury befall an individual, the injured party would be entitled to some form of recipricatory justice, as appropriate. The Talmud, especially Baba Kama , 83b-84a, lays out specific forms of monetary compensation.
Another example is the idea of the avenger of blood. A person killed through manslaughter (for example, accidental killing) must be avenged by a family member. The perpetrator has only one recourse: to flee to a "City of Refuge", as specified in Torah, to either live out his days or to wait for the High Priest's passing, at which point he may leave freely without fear of harm.
Over time, these ideas of recipricatory justice have been replaced with the authority of rabbinic courts, and later the state. Extrajudicial killing is all but eliminated (the exception is that of the rodeif, or the murderous pursuer, who may be killed in order to stop their pursuit after sufficient warning).
While the Reform Movement does not have any responsa on this subject per se, it is safe to say that the idea of an individual exacting revenge would be frowned upon and condemned. While profoundly concerned with tzedek, justice, justice is only achievable through the rule of law and progressive cultural change.
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Question: Is it a Jewish value to support the notion that government should do more to reduce the gap between the rich and the poor?
The simple 'on one foot' answer to your question is 'yes'. Since Biblical Times, Jewish tradition has seen a governmental role in reducing poverty and tasking the greater citizenry with that amelioration, often with an eye toward closing the gap between rich and poor. We see it in the Toraitic legislation to leave the gleanings and the corners of one's fields (Lev. 19:9) which both reduces the income of the farmer, but also allows the poor to sustain themselves off that 'remnant'. Likewise the Sabbatical Year, or shmita (appearing throughout Torah) describes a seventh year hiatus from planting and harvesting, but also a remission of debts, thus alleviating poverty through a state sanctioned fashion. Later on, the Rabbis of the Talmudic period and the Middle Ages established protocols and semi-governmental organizations that imposed tax-like fines on the wealthy in order to support various forms of tzedakah, including the chevra kadisha (burial society), hospitals, soup kitchens, and funds to provide dowries for impoverished brides. Indeed, an individual who didn't pay enough could have his assets seized or even suffer corporal punishment (Yoreh Deah Section 249). The rabbis imposed other measures to minimize the impact of money; Torah scrolls could not be illuminated or written in anything other than black ink on white parchment, to prevent communities from writing them in gold leaf and the like (eruvin 13a), and wedding bands had to be plain; indeed, one was able to wed with something worth even as little as a penny, again to prevent too great a discrepancy between rich and poor. Elsewhere a synagogue is permitted to sell its Torah Scroll to provide for the dowry of a poor bride.
Today, through the Religious Action Center the Reform Movement has long argued that government has a special role in ameliorating the situation of the poor and has an obligation to utilize their resources--including through generating further revenue through taxes--in order to eliminate hunger, increase education and health care for those who cannot afford, protect the rights of workers, and the like.
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Question: If a Jewish lady (or really anyone) will be away from home for the High Holidays (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur), and cannot attend services, what are the repercussions, if any, Is this a problem in regard to Jewish values or morals? Thank you.
I want to take this in two pieces. The first, the question of values and morals; the second, the question of repercussions.
It is true that the yammim noraim, the Days of Awe (that is to say, the High Holidays) have a particular pull on the Jewish conscience. Even those who do not normally affiliate or find time to worship on a daily or weekly basis, or celebrate any other festival in the synagogue, try to find a way to observe these. Perhaps it is because they are uniquely focused on synagogue (as opposed to other holidays, like Sukkot, Pesach and Shabbat, which are more oriented toward home practice). Perhaps it is a sense that, at the beginning of Autumn, we have a need for Cheshbon Hanefesh, the accounting of the soul that takes place at this time. Perhaps it’s merely a form of “Jewish Behaviorism”—i.e. I do this because my bubbe and zayde do it. Regardless, the yammim noraim are profoundly important to the Jewish Soul, and every effort should be made to observe the holidays—to hear the sound of the shofar, study the relevant texts, and fast and perform teshuvah (repentance) on Yom Kippur. Of course, with our global economy and 24/7 demands on people’s lives, sometimes we cannot observe as we would prefer. Nevertheless, if someone is kept away from the holidays due to travel or the like, they should try to seek out a synagogue or congregation in the city they’re visiting, even if it means gathering a small minyan together. Increasingly, many congregations live stream their services, and perhaps the individual could ‘tune in’ that way. While the individual won’t count as part of the minyan, she would be able to follow along and participate in some manner. If full worship is not possible, then the individual should carve some time out for personal prayer and reflection. If the individual knows in advance that she will not be able to attend the holidays, then perhaps she could endeavor to study in advance, such as Sefer HaHinuch or the Trials of Abraham, or participate in pre-High Holiday rituals such as Selichot.
(Please note that, as a Reform Jew, I assume a “Jewish Lady” is a full member of the minyan and able to participate meaningfully, as opposed to being somehow excluded based on gender. Likewise I assume the individual is not incapacitated due to illness; of course, in such a circumstance, there is no obligation to do anything other than heal).
Now, let’s talk about ‘repercussions’. I’m not sure what that would mean beyond one’s own conscience, and perhaps her engagement with the rest of her faith community. Certainly one’s spiritual health is as important as one’s physical and psychological health, and so these important days should not be ignored; we need that time to reflect on our past year and explore what it would mean for us to do better, to be better, to live up to our own best selves. While fear of someone ‘keeping score’ or the absence from shul somehow ‘going on one’s permanent record’ might be a helpful motivator for some, if that isn’t possible, the question then becomes one of teshuvah and how she might earn forgiveness from herself for ignoring her spiritual needs? To that end, she might consider a more careful observance of Rosh Hodesh. There are traditions in Judaism that treat The New Moon as a time of reflection, renewal and repentance; treating each as a ‘mini Yom Kippur’ might be a helpful way for her to feel that she has engaged in meaningful, spiritual self-care. Regardless, she should be mindful of the words of Kol Nidre: while we make promises and vows throughout the year, sometimes we are unable to keep them. For those sins of omission, of good intentions gone wrong, may we all be forgiven.
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Question: My son married a woman who converted to Judaism through the London Beth Din. She now refuses to follow any Jewish practice. Is her conversion still valid?
They have a baby boy who is now a year and a half; will he be considered Jewish?
By the way she forbids me to have any contact with the child. She is highly unstable and also prevents my son from having any contact with me or his brothers.
I am in regular email contact with him. We are a shomer mitzvot family, though I doubt my son keeps anything now.
First, I’m sorry for how painful this is for you. For your own relationship with your son, and perhaps for his relationship with his wife, you may want to go to the Council For Relationships for guidance, or consult a local family therapist. http://www.councilforrelationships.org/. Likewise, your son may want to consult a doctor. If this is new behavior for her (perhaps postpartum?) it may be that there is something wrong with her medically and she should get a full workup.
The question is one of her intent in the process. Did she convert in order to ‘punch a ticket’ so that she could marry your son, or was this for her own personal nourishment on some level? After reviewing Reform Responsa, it is clear that, while conversion for marriage alone is not ideal, we recognize that many people are drawn to Judaism through their spouses-to-be, and embrace our people through them. Assuming that she was sincere in her intent through her process, and she has not explicitly chosen to embrace her former faith, then the conversion stands (and by extension, the Jewishness of your grandchildren). Having said that, it’s clear that she needs medical attention—for her own sake, as well as that of her family.
Chazak v’amatz: may you have strength and fortitude as you struggle through this terrible situation.
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Question: During the High Holidays, in the process of teshuvah, we repent for past sins. I understand that in our (Jewish) view, repentance means that we are sorry for the sins that we have committed, we try to repair the injuries we have caused, we ask forgiveness from God and man, and we resolve to do better in the future. Christianity appears to have a very different idea of what it means to repent and atone for a sin, and how a sin is forgiven. Can you try to explain this difference, please (I understand that I am asking Jewish rabbis, and not Christians to speak to these differences)?
What a wonderful question! I hesitate to answer, especially for 'all' Christianity, even more so than I refrain from speaking 'for' all of Judaism or "Jewish Tradition". Just as there are a myriad faces to Torah and every person in every stream of Judaism is going to encounter the tradition differently (and therefore interpret it differently), likewise each Christian is going to come to their sense of Faith based on their own experiences, family traditions, and the 'flavor' of Christianity they practice. The fact that many denominations of Christianity are doctrine based increases their theological diversity, even moreso than each Jewish 'branch'. A Unitarian Universalist or Quaker is going to see the world and encounter God in radically different ways from, say, a Baptist, or a Catholic, or Seventh Day Adventist (indeed, some folks from these various communities might question whether they or each other are 'Christian' at all! And that is a conversation I'm DEFINITELY not qualified to engage in!).
Having said all that; since high school I've studied C.S. Lewis. Like many children I was drawn to his books, but later studied his theological works as well, and I've always found him to be an engaging spokesman for a particular kind of theological encounter. So this is what Lewis says in Mere Christianity
...fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement; he is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arm, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realizing that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor--that is the only way out of our 'hole'. This process of surrender--this movement full speed astern--is what Christians call repentance. Now repentance is no fun at all. It is something much harder than merely eating humble pie. It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into for thousands of years...
Though not of our tradition, may we discover and understand the Torah that is within these words as we prepare for our own repentance.
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Question: I live in the US southwest, where there are not a lot of Jews. I was raised in a place where it was the total opposite, and there were synagogues within walking distance.
What are some suggestions for developing a closer relationship with G-d in my circumstances? In my opinion, everyone needs to work on their relationship with G-d. It seems funny, but I do not remember ever in Hebrew/religious school learning about the subject of how to develop a relationship with G-d when you already believe in G-d. What does Judaism tell us about this?
It is a story that goes back to the origins of our people, and certainly deep into the history of Jews in America, and frequently into our personal lives. At one point or another, many Jews have been the 'first' or 'only' Jew in a community in the South, the Midwest, or even in an area that supposedly has a high Jewish population. As someone who grew up in a small community and has served small communities, and who has congregants that drive sometimes an hour or more to come to synagogue, I sympathize.
How does one, then, connect with God, without the usual 'mechanics'; that is to say, no synagogue, no minyan, no chavurah, no study group, etc.?
Pirkei Avot teaches that the World Stand Upon Three things: on Torah, on Avodah (worship/service, more on that in a minute) and on Gimilut Chasadim, acts of loving kindness. I think this is as good a place to start as any.
Torah: We engage God through the study of Torah. If Torah are God's words (or if you prefer, words inspired by God) then our study is how we engage God in dialogue. It is through that study of Jewish text that we better understand ourselves, our tradition, and what it means to leave a meaningful, sacred life. Thankfully, it is easier and easier to engage in studying Torah writ large. More bookstores are ordering Jewish study texts, and certainly there's a whole library available via places like Amazon. MyJewishLearning.com is a wonderful resource to help you get started, answer some questions, and find a study partner. The Reform movement has online study opportunities like "Ten Minutes of Torah" and there are similar offerings from other movements, as well as study partner 'matchmakers' that would allow you to study in chevruta over the phone, Skype, or the like. With the beginning of a new daf yomi (page a day) cycle for studying Talmud, there are apps and online reasources readily available to allow you to study in community, albeit virtual.
As important as study is, teaching can also be valuable. Often we are embarrassed to be the 'only Jew at Christmas', as the song goes; to be put on the spot when colleagues or friends have questions. We're worried about antisemitism (unintentional or not) or just don't want to get involved. Instead, see this as an opportunity to educate people (most of whom are truly just curious, as they would be about anyone's culture) and share your love of Judaism with them.
Avodah: worship and prayer are an essential reminder of our relationship with God and God's world. Certainly we can say blessings before and after meals, make Shabbat and Havdallah at home, and the like. But without a synagogue, other prayer opportunities are missed. In this situation, it's time to get creative. Consider adding meditation to your daily rituals (Rami Shapiro has many books on the subject of Jewish meditating) or add Jewish elements to a yoga or Pilates practice. Find a synagogue that webcasts their services and participate (though find a way to support their efforts). Invite non-Jewish friends to help you bless the Chanukah candles, to come to the local river for tashlich, to your home for the Passover Seder.
Avodah can also mean service or labor. We as Jews have always been socially and politically engaged, especially in this country. Find and engage in local causes that are meaningful for you, especially those that allieviate poverty or hunger. Tzedakah is an important value and one that leads us to connection with God, which leads to
Gimilut Chasadim: Yes, that usually means Tzedakah and Tikkun Olam, and as stated above, you should find ways to do so (and in so doing, build your own personal community). But loving-kindness also means seeing God reflected in the Other. If Torah tells us that we are all created in God's image, that means that, regardless of whether the person is Jew or Gentile, they carry a spark of the divine within them, and in our daily practice and behavior we should be aware and attuned to that spark. How much the more so when we are one of few like ourselves in the community!
May this be a helpful start and may your neshamah find the nourishment it desires.
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Question: Is the true Jewish ideal to sit and learn Torah all day? What about when it's at the expense of earning a living and, in Israel at least, defending your country? When did the "kollel life" become the norm and not the exception? Didn't our ancestors, even from the time of the Bible, fight battles and hold down jobs?
Let us begin by making it clear that the study of Torah is central to Judaism, not only for rabbis or academics but all Jews. Ben Shammai reminds us in Pirkei Avot to make our study of Torah a habit (Avot 1:15); literally to make it a ‘fixed’ or ‘set thing’, and Mishnah Peah (recited at every morning t’fillah reminds us that, among all the mitzvot, the study of Torah is equal to them all. And indeed, we have as many opportunities and tools for study today as ever in the history of Judaism, if not more. Hundreds of thousands of Jews of all backgrounds just completed a seven-year cycle of Talmud study called daf yomi (literally, a ‘page a day’) and new students just began a new cycle, some using apps for their phone or tablet. There are online study opportunities and texts galore, from the Reform Movement’s “10 Minutes of Torah” to resources at Chabad’s and Aish HaTorah’s websites to everything in between, programs to match Jews of any age and persuasion with others for in-person study, classes offered at synagogues, universities, JCCs, homes, programs in Israel, the UK’s famous Limmud program, and even study on trains. Torah is as vital and alive as it’s ever been, and I encourage you to find as many opportunities to study as your schedule allows.
Having said that, there is increasing awareness that Torah study has been manipulated for political and cultural reasons. There are those who claim to be defenders of the faith who choose to rely upon government programs and increasingly disdain the very Jews they are supposed to ‘defend’, including incidents of abuse against women and refusal to participate in the life of the Jewish State. Again, Pirkei Avot is helpful. “Rabbi Tzadok said, “Do not separate yourself from the community. Don’t be like those who try to influence judges. Don’t use [the words of Torah] as a crown to build yourself up, nor as an adze to dig with, as Hillel said, ‘the one who would make use of the crown [of the Torah] will pass away.’ Thus you may learn that whoever [improperly] uses the word of Torah takes one’s own life from this world.” (Avot 4:5, Kravitz, Leonard and Olitzky, Kerry (Ed. And Transl), Pirkei Avot, A Modern Commentary on Jewish Ethics, UAHC Press, New York 1993). Likewise Nachman of Bratzlav reminds us that “while it is commendable to aid students of the Torah more than commoners, the Jewish Law knows no such distinction.” (Newman, Louis I, Hasidic Anthology: Tales and Teachings of the Hasidim. Schocken Books, New York 1963).
In short, the study of Torah is a value, a mitzvah and at the center of all forms of Judaism (one might argue, especially liberal and non-traditional Judaism), but the use of Torah as a tool for self-aggrandizement, political gain or manipulation of “the system” to benefit one community at the cost of others is chilul haShem, voiding the Name of God and undermining the role of Torah in the world.
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Question: My first wife and I divorced many years ago. My oldest son (from that marriage) sided with her at that time, and still has no contact with me today, more than twenty years later. What action, if any, is necessary on my part in order to rectify this situation?
This is a very difficult and clearly painful question, and a timely one as we leave Tisha B'Av (the commemoration of the destruction of Jerusalem, the parent bereft of her children) and move toward the High Holidays--celebrations of reconciliation of repentance. To have no contact with your child for so long, and the implications of that breach of relationship, will make it hard for both of you to do the necessary teshuvah in order to rebuild that connection.
I would start with a letter. Not an email or a Facebook message, but an actual letter. Be neutral and keep your emotions in check as much as possible: laying guilt on your son will not cause him to seek you out, and overly blaming yourself might come across as false after so many years. Explain that you'd like to try to have a relationship with him, that you understand how difficult it is, that you accept your responsibility (again, without laying it on too thick) in your relationship with him (or lack thereof), and have no expectations of some kind of Hollywood ending, but, as you said, you want to 'rectify the situation', If you're in the same town (or will be at some point in the near future, i.e. for work, vacation or a family get-together) suggest meeting for coffee or some such. Make it clear that you want to give him the space to rebuild the relationship in a meaningful way. And be prepared for him not to respond, or not respond immediately. Do NOT use mutual acquaintances or family connections as go-betweens, even to see if he got the letter. It puts them in an uncomfortable spot and may put pressure on your son such that he would refuse a connection.
At the same time (if you haven't done so already), do you own cheshbon nefesh, your own spiritual and moral evaluation of yourself. How have you changed since the divorce? What mistakes did you make, and how did you/can you correct them? Those are hard questions, but necessary if you're going to have any possibility of rebuilding a relationship with your child.
I pray that the two of you are able to build a relationship of respect as adults and may enter the new Jewish year (only two months away!) with joy.
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Question: A Jewish woman is getting married to a non-Jew. Her Jewish mother died many years ago, and the woman was raised (but not adopted) by her Jewish father and this now beloved non-Jewish 2nd wife/mother figure. Can this stepmothers name go on the ketubah, or must it be the birth mother?
[Administrator's note: A closely related question can be found at http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=152]
It seems to me that this is an issue of tremendous sensitivity. On the one hand, it's clear that there is a desire to honor the step-mother, who is loved and cherished. On the other hand, there is the sacred obligation ("mitzvah") to honor and revere one's parents. Normally when this question comes to me, it's because of a strained or non-existent relationship between the birth parent and the child getting married; functionally, that person is no longer the parent. There is no indication that this is the situation in your case.
I would look for a way to include the step-mother in addition to the birth mother. Perhaps the Ketubah can list the bride as daughter of both, plus dad? While this would be unconventional I can see no objection to it. Additionally, since the step-mom will be walking the bride down the aisle with her father, perhaps there should be some way to memorialize the mom (an empty chair, a single flower on the table under the chuppah, etc.) so that she can be 'present' as well.
I hope the wedding is a sacred and joyous event!
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Question: When choosing between two food types, one of which is healthier than the other, does Judaism have anything to say about which to choose?
For example, I recently read a study (www.sciencemag.org) that wild salmon is much healthier and contains far less toxic organic contaminants than farmed salmon. As such, would it be a mitzvah to buy the wild salmon and not the farmed salmon? Further, how would it be treated (prohibited permitted, discouraged, or not addressed) in Jewish law to buy the farmed one?
Thank you!
When choosing between two food types, one of which is healthier than the other, does Judaism have anything to say about which to choose? For example, I recently read a study (www.sciencemag.org) that wild salmon is much healthier and contains far less toxic organic contaminants than farmed salmon. As such, would it be a Mitzvah to buy the wild salmon and not the farmed salmon? Further, how would it be treated (prohibited permitted, discouraged, or not addressed) in Jewish law to buy the farmed one? Thank you!
What a timely question! There’s been some literature recently about the unhealthiness of traditional American church cookouts and potlucks, and heaven knows the oneg table isn’t much better!
Mary Zamore’s book The Sacred Table is a great resource on how Judaism looks at food, beyond the idea of traditional kashrut. Written specifically for a Reform (that is, Jewishly religious and spiritual, but not necessarily halakhic) audience, she and her fellow authors (it’s a series of essays) challenge and expand what kashrut should look like in our modern world of fruit-out-of-season, meat anytime you want it, horn-of-plenty with food deserts, as well as the myriad food choices we make, from fad diets to various forms of ethical eating (e.g. vegetarianism, locally grown produce, etc).That said, it is a very worthwhile resource to have for any Jew (or anyone looking at the spiritual side of eating rather than mere ‘consumption’.
To say food is an essential component to Jewish life is like saying that teeth are essential to eating; it’s self-evident. And the number of rituals and practices surrounding food—not only kashrut but the removal of challah, fasting on certain set days, blessings before the meal, grace after the meal, etc.—all are geared toward creating a sense of holy eating. As Neal Gold writes in The Sacred Table:
Beneath the surface of Jewish food laws is a meta-ethic of Jewish life that maintains that all people are interconnected and responsible for one another. Make no mistake, Jews are certainly entitled to a s’udat mitzvah at joyous milestones in their lives. But tradition calls upon us to make those moments of celebration times in which the character of the entire community is elevated, when the highest values of our tradition are revealed. They are opportunities for tzedakah and for bal tashchit. All too often, they are displays of precisely the opposite: conspicuous waste and grotesque overconsumption. (2011-01-01 The Sacred Table: Creating a Jewish Food Ethic CCAR Press)
While it’s not more or less kosher to eat wild salmon (to use your example) we are commanded to ‘choose life’ (Deut. 30), and Maimonides (among others) reminds us to maintain healthy bodies. Furthermore, the value of bal taschit (not being wasteful or destructive) would ask us whether wild salmon or farm-based salmon are better for the environment. Thus these wouldn’t fall under the category of kashrut they’d fall under other mitzvot, or could be seen as a form of hiddur mitzvah (making the mitzvah more meaningful or beautiful). Likewise, we should ask ourselves whether our consumption is fulfilling the mitzvah of hachnasat orchim (welcoming guests); that is, did we inquire about food allergies, about whether those gathered are vegetarians and made appropriate choices for them? Do we fulfill the need for tzedakah when we eat: so when we have a seudah of any kind, whether a lavish bar mitzvah celebration or a more humble synagogue pot-luck, are we donating the leftovers to local food pantries?
So, to finally answer your question: while it isn’t related to kashrut, at least in its narrowest sense, it is a mitzvah to take personal health, communal well-being, environmental and economic factors, and the question of tzedakah into consideration when choosing your meals.
So b’teiavon and es gasundt!
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Question: There is a big problem, noted again recently in the media, in the ultra-Orthodox community of not reporting child abusers and protecting them, rather than the victims. What can we do to stop this, get the criminals arrested, and protect the innocent victims? Does this reflect Jewish values, and is it in line with Jewish moral behavior?
You are absolutely right, this is a big problem! And while the media attention is on the Ultra-Orthodox community, it's something we all need to be mindful and attentive toward. There has long been a taboo in the Jewish community, that somehow Jews don't suffer these kinds of issues, but it does happen and as individuals and communities, we need to reach out and support victims and make sure they get help.
Here are some things we can all do, adapted from a list of practical mitzvah ideas written by Miriam Heller:
1. PUT HOTLINES IN SYNAGOGUE BATHROOMS: arrange for your synagogue to place a small sign (or handouts) in the stalls of women's (though I would add men's) bathrooms about domestic violence and child abuse, accopmanied by cards with domestic violence hotlines. In our area Jewish Family Services has such a hotline, but if your area doesn't, please have your community reach out to those groups that do provide emergency support.
2. EDUCATE THE PUBLIC AND PROMOTE AWARENESS: Get the word out that abuse and violence does exist in our communities and cannot be tolerated! Arrange programs in your synagogues, schools, and youth groups.
3. DO PRACTICAL PROJECTS TO HELP SUPPORT THE ABUSED: throw a Chanukah party at a shelter. Volunteer to help. Donate toiletries and beauty products for the moms/parents who are abused.
4. MAKE SURE YOUR COMMUNITY IS A SAFE SPACE: make sure your rabbis/clergy/educational staff know how to report abuse and will do so. Promote the idea that people who are abused can share what's going on in confidence with the aforementioned, so that they can get the support, counselling, or shelter that they need.
5. RAISE TZEDAKAH: it can be donated to shelters, counseling centers, etc. Money can be used proactively for educational programs for men, women and children.
Just as Meir of Rotenberg (The Maharam, c. 13th cen.) wrote that a man has to honor his wife more than himself and beating is grounds for a forcible divorce, so to do parents, teachers and other adults have an obligation to protect our children.
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Question: My Jewish brother is engaged to a Christian woman and will be getting married to her in a non-denominational wedding ceremony. My (nuclear) family is fairly observant and, agreeing with our rabbi, my wife and I decided that our children should not be exposed to this event. We planned that I would go to the wedding but my wife and young children (ages 11, 9 and 6) would not.
My (non-observant) mother knows that the reason the children are not attending is because we don't want to expose them to a celebration of this intermarriage, and she has been giving my a lot of pressure to change my mind. I never told my brother the real reason because I didn't want him to feel like I was punishing him or for him to blame Judaism for the kids not going. I told him the reasons were financial and now I'm getting pressure from him too--he is offering to help pay for the plane tickets.
I truly feel uncomfortable about the idea of the kids attending this wedding and celebrating this event which we are teaching them is wrong. On the other hand, I love my brother and I know how much he loves my children and I feel terrible about how disappointed he's going to be if they're not there. What other compromises can I, or should I, possibly make? How do I balance shalom bayit (peace in the home) with maintaining the integrity of the values we're teaching our children?
I spent a lot of time thinking about your dilemma, and in the process, checked in with some trusted colleagues to get their sense. With their permission, here are their responses:
Here's the response from Rabbi Daniel Fellman:
Interesting question. There was a time when I too was unwilling to attend an interfaith wedding. I thought at the time that my presence somehow endorsed the wedding and/or took away from my principled position. And while I believe rabbis (and everyone else) should live with principles and be willing to say no when necessary, I learned over time that refusing to attend a simcha was not the right response for me. Attending a wedding is all about celebrating love and commitment and joy. I can celebrate all of those things without regard to the religion of the bride or groom, or for that matter, whether there is one bride and one groom or two brides or two grooms. By all means explain your position to your children, teach them as you see best. But also teach them that celebrating another faith, or another expression of faith, or even the joining of two people of different faiths, can bring joy into a world sorely in need of more simchas. And I believe that in sharing these new experiences we can grow in our own Jewish identities, strengthening our own bonds even as we experience other people following other paths.
Here's Rabbi Benjamin Sharff:
My philosophy is one should never miss a major life cycle event. The result is hurt feelings that can last years, if not a life time. Better to simply explain to the kids why the choices of their uncle are different from theirs.
And finally, here's the response from Rabbi Elisa Koppel:
Are they going to have their kids shun his brother's family for the rest of their lives? Explain to the kids that some people make different choices. Celebrating a simchah, even one of another religion, is a big deal. It's also a matter of shalom bayit. They can say to the children, all of whom are old enough to understand, that "our values are different from his, but we love him and so we're there to celebrate with him."
All of them articulate the position I wanted to share with you, and articulated that idea with love and thoughtfulness. And I hope you see the commonalities throughout. You and your wife have made choices about the kind of Jewish experience you want your children to engage and (hopefully) embrace. Your brother's choices challenge that--not on purpose or out of spite, but because they are in contrast. You could 'punish' him for his choices by withholding your family, and likewise 'protect' your children from his choices. Instead, your parents (and your own kishkes) are telling you that this is the wrong choice. Go and bring your children, but lay the groundwork. Have a conversation with your brother beforehand that is out of love for him and help him understand your own discomfort with his choices (don't blame, don't accuse, don't criticize: own your own feelings). Talk to your kids before and afterwards about the choices you make as a family and the choices that were made by your brother and his bride. Trust your kids. Even play a game: how is the wedding similar to a Jewish one, how is it different? How can you fulfill the mitzvah of loving and caring for family and celebrating a simcha even when your values are challenged?
May you celebrate in love and acceptance and help bring tikkun to this world.
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Question: My oldest daughter, now 15, has for most of her life lived and acted like a tomboy, rejecting most everything traditionally associated with femininity: dresses, long hair, girls' sports, etc. None of this was really an issue . . . we simply accepted her for who she was.
About two years ago she began to develop some mental health issues and after seeing a number of specialists, it's been determined that my eldest is actually transgender, a boy born into a girl's body. Knowing this and what happens next is, of course, complicated.
Part of the initial course of acceptance - and we accept this without condition - is that we all make the shift of referring to her now as "he" or "him". He has legally changed his name to a boy's name and his new birth certificate indicates he is male. He will be able to get a driver's license and passport that shows his gender as male as well. Meanwhile, nothing is being done surgically and he is not even taking testosterone.
I've had a few discussions with my rabbi about things like a name change, having a bar mitzvah, etc. but it is early in the process. That said, it's dawned on me over the past few weeks that I no longer have a daughter. She is gone. The person, the life I thought would be there is no longer. It's not a death, per se, but it is a growing emotional loss.
My question is "How do I mourn or grieve this loss?" It obviously doesn't rise to the level of sitting shiva but I've recently felt tempted to stand for the Mourner's Kaddish. Is that too much or inappropriate?
First, I want to applaud you and your family. Knowing the parents of transgender adults (and a few transgender adults as well) I know this can be a confusing and upsetting time for everyone as new boundaries, expectations and identities are formed, and it can be easy for a family to ‘circle the wagons’ and shut out the community, clergy, friends and the rest of the support network.It’s clear that you understand that this is the worst thing you can do. I love that you’ve been speaking with your rabbi about celebrating a bar mitzvah and I would encourage you to look for other ways your daughter—now your son—can be acknowledged and welcomed into the community in his ‘new’ identity (or rather, his identity more accurately articulated).
As to your question: it seems to me that you aren’t mourning your child per se (God forbid!), but rather (as you put it) your dreams of your child. You indicate that he has always been a tomboy even when he identified as female. Obviously this isn’t the same thing as changing your name (a jarring thing, especially for the parent who chose that name!) and the like; but for your child, this isn’t a radical change—this is a continuation of his search for his identity.
I appreciate that this is a hard thing to grasp and it feels like loss—like the little girl in your photo albums is gone forever. But it isn’t the person who’s gone—it’s the image, the impression, the idea of who that person was, replaced with an identity that better suits him. And identity is a funny and challenging thing; it changes all the time, through maturity and aging, through the dynamic we have with our community and our families, through our own learning about ourselves. The Israeli poet Zelda wrote about this beautifully in her poem “L’chol Ish Yeish Shem”
Each of us has a name
given by God
and given by our parents
…Each of us has a name
given by our sins
and given by our longing…
…Each of us has a name
given by our enemies
and given by our love…
We go by many names in our lifetime, each one earned differently. You’re striving to acknowledge this new name for your child, but that means letting go of his earlier ‘name’ and all that came with it. And, as with any change in identity, there are no quick fixes, no easy transitions. Saying “Kaddish” will not help you through this unsteady time or allow you to work out your feelings; in fact, it may cause resentment to build, amplify your own confusion while not giving you the opportunity to process meaningfully.
Rather than say kaddish over your daughter (now son), I would suggest securing a good therapist (perhaps your rabbi could recommend one who specifically works with parents of transgender children?) and joining a support group, which will give you the minyan like experience of being surrounded by others who have walked the path you are on now (much as kaddish is an opportunity for mourners to gather and support one another). Perhaps in time, you (and your family) could create a new ritual where you release your son’s previous identity and embrace the new one? Create a moment that involves your child in the process and allows you to show your acceptance while still giving voice to your own feelings? That would, in my mind, be a more fitting life-cycle event.
May you continue to see God’s spark of divinity in your child, and grow in love and acceptance, and may your son and your family soon know peace.
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Question: Is it religiously permissible in Jewish law for a(n) (Orthodox) Jewish woman to make derogatory statements about another Jew (i.e., listing the individual's full name) on a blog that is viewable by the entire public? Wouldn't this be lashon hara (evil speech) or motzei shem ra (causing a bad name), especially in such a large forum?
Thanks for the question! It seems to me that, making public derogatory comments (including in blogs, public forums, etc.) would be inappropriate from a Halakhic standpoint, especially if said individual(s) are not part of the conversation. So if I write something derogatory about, say, a fellow rabbi, or a congregant, in my blog, I should expect to do some serious tshuvah. The Babylonian Talmud has some choice words for a person who deliberately embarrasses a fellow Jew: “Better it is for man to cohabit with a doubtful married woman rather than that he should publicly shame his neighbor.” And “Better a man throw himself into a fiery furnace than publicly put his neighbor to shame.” (Both Baba Metzia 59b)
Where things get sticky are around public personae. Am I permitted to say something derogatory about a person such as a political candidate, or a celebrity? One is permitted to rebuke an individual (in a loving fashion), so better to criticize the behavior than the individual. For example, if you look at Shmuley Boteach’s articles on The Huffington Post you’ll see that he criticizes behavior or actions; rarely does he say anything nasty about a person. Doing so also makes it more a description of our own experience rather than an opportunity to put someone down, as the Chofeitz Chaim would suggest.
Finally, there is the issue of posting comments to a person’s Facebook wall or tagging someone, or using some other social media to engage a person. Witness what has happened at Mayim Bialik’s Facebook page and her response (that is, to remove herself). While it might be tempting to see that as ‘engaging’ the individual and ‘rebuking’ them on their choices, the public nature of the posting makes it really no different than the kind of public embarrassment that might take place in the street.
And by the way, while the question is posed viz. an Orthodox woman making the comments about Jews, it would seem to me that these apply to anyone regardless of movement; and while the Halakha sees embarrassing a Jew as being a pretty terrible thing, embarrassing a non-Jew is also regarded as something that promotes discord, is unethical, and should be avoided as well.
Hope this answer is helpful and God Bless.
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